The most important thing to know, in a new or existing relationship, is how to protect your feelings.

Firstly, you have to realise that although you would like a man in your life, you do not need one to survive. Knowing that you are able to survive perfectly well on your own is a big step towards making sure you don’t go into a relationship for the wrong reasons; like not wanting to be on your own or thinking that you are incomplete. If this is the case, then you run a serious risk of giving away basic rights, which paves the way for an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship.

Basic rights that everyone, not just women are entitled to in a relationship are;

• respect
• affection
• dignity
• privacy
• commitment
• freedom to have friends
• (responsibly) express thoughts
• ideas and feelings

These are things that are fundamental to maintaining and equal, harmonious relationship, and the early stages of a new one is the time when some of these can be eagerly and unwittingly forfeited by the woman in the name of ‘love’. There are some ways to avoid this. They are simple but effective.

Don’t doubt your self-worth. The way that you treat yourself is a direct reflection of your level of self-worth. If you treat yourself badly, it becomes obvious to others that you have a low opinion of yourself. If you act with dignity and take good care of yourself, you are seen as a person who is worthy of the utmost respect. That is what you will get. This also goes for the way you permit others to treat you. The standard of treatment you accept reflects what you think you are worth. There are many women with low self-esteem.

Some of these women live with and tolerate repeated abuse. They don’t like it, far from it, some have come to believe they deserve it or that they aren’t worth better treatment. Many just don’t know how to stop the cycle.

The term self-esteem is almost a cliché that everyone is so used to hearing about it’s like no one really takes it seriously anymore. “Oh yeah, self esteem, that’s important blah blah blah.”. Your self-esteem is probably, no, definitely your most important asset in life. It helps you recover from a breakup. It is the foundation of your moral existence. Make sure it is in good health before you embark on a new relationship. It goes a long way in determining the type of person you attract and the type of relationship you will have. There are many decent, good men who are kind, loving and generous who also want what you want, a happy, healthy relationship. If you have high self-esteem you have a much better ance of choosing the right man. You do the choosing. Don’t be content with being chosen and then trying to make it work. You do have a choice, you know.

chance of choosing the right man. You do the choosing. Don’t be content with being chosen and then trying to make it work. You do have a choice, you know.

Something else to remember is don’t act on weakness. The very minute you let your weaknesses dictate your actions you give them more power over you. For example, let’s say you’re feeling insecure because you are in a new romance and are unsure of his feelings for you. It’s very common. But remember - some things are better not discussed and this is definitely one of them. It’s your problem, deal with it yourself. Go and talk to your best friend, she’ll tell you how great you are and how lucky this guy is. Don’t demand to know how he feels, he probably isn’t sure anyway - he’s hasn’t known you long, so forcing him to say things he may not mean isn’t the way to go.

Most men, at some stage, expect to be questioned about their feelings and hear all about how the woman feels. Most women say they like to be pursued by a man, but most of the seem intent on ending the pursuit as quickly as it begun by lavishing him with love, telling him everything and trying to be everything to him.

Surprise him, don’t do it. His interest will peak if he is unsurehow you feel. Don’t dangle him on a string by being deliberately evasive, just don’t press him for information and resist the impulse to blurt out your own feelings.

You have absolutely nothing to lose by doing it this way. Let him be the first to tell of his feelings for you. If he cares he will show it. If he doesn’t you will come away emotionally unscathed. You have protected your feelings by acting this way. Good for you.

Don’t get sexually involved too soon. When a relationship becomes sexual, most women feel at the very least some kind of emotional attachment. If you feel this then bear in mind he may not necessarily feel the same. He may not want a long term relationship and before you know it you have been hurt.. You will find out what he wants early if you stay out of his bed - he will lose interest and disappear and you will still be emotionally intact.

 If he is the right man for you, let him show that he wants the same from the relationship as you do. Let him show you that he is kind, thoughtful and caring and not just after quick sex with no commitment. There's nothing wrong with this. It's fine for a man to want that - if you want it too. If you don't it's best you find out early on.

Let him get to know and appreciate the sort of person you are before you get completely emotionally involved. Protect your own feelings here. Self-esteem can take a real bashing in this situation if it isn’t handled right.

Don’t let your infatuation with someone change your life. Keep doing the things you did before, like seeing your friends, going to the gym or spending time of your hobbies. Don’t start living your life around him. For one thing you will seem ‘needy’. Nothing will terrify a man more than a woman who appears needy or desperate. (Remember “Fatal Attraction”- you can bet a few affairs were ended the week that movie came out). If you give up the things that you liked doing because you’ve met a man, when the novelty wears off and you resume your activities, or worse - you don’t it’s bound to cause real discontentment somewhere. Why give up the things you like unquestioningly. You surrender more than things you enjoy if you do.

Also, by not making big changes in your life you are more likely to stay in touch with day to day reality and the romance will take on a steady pace, rather than one of urgency. This ‘casual’ feel will allow you to see things more clearly because your judgement is less likely to be clouded by the ‘giddy feeling of romance’. You may notice something about him that makes you unsure of his suitability. Maybe he said he’d call you on Friday, now it’s Monday and you still haven’t heard from him. Instead of swallowing your pride without question and calling him, don’t. Resist the urge to phone. Remember you are chasing a man who has broken a promise. You will have to chase him forever if this is the way he operates.

What advice would you give your best friend? “Don’t call” right? Well be your own best friend and let your head, not your heart do the thinking. There’s nothing like total infatuation to cause a woman to give more than her fair share, or more than she can sustain, or to ignore signs that she knows she shouldn’t. He may not be right for her, he may not even be a very caring person. This is where a woman sets herself up for a life of fulfilling the man’s needs and neglecting her own. The possibility of an equal, balanced relationship is lost, right here.

Some women are attracted to the air of ‘danger’ about a man. She may be the type to think she came ‘tame’ or rescue him. It may keep you going early on, but eventually its guaranteed to work against you. The feeling of danger is, in itself, a warning sign. A volatile, possibly violent nature can sometimes be the cause. Men very rarely just turn violent after being decent human beings, the signs were always there, they were just ignored. We all know domestic violence has a very real presence in our society, and you can be sure that many of the relationships began this way. No one deserves to be abused, threatened or made to feel afraid. If you fee this at any time, don’t ignore it, end it immediately. If it is like this in the early stages, what do yo think life will be like after a few years and possibly children? You know the line in that song “know when to walk away and know when to run”. Do it - and don’t look back.

That’s probably the worst case scenario for ignoring signs you shouldn’t, but there are varying degrees of abuse.

Don’t get involved with a man who you feel anxious around or who lies, even if it’s not to you, it will be eventually. Don’t get involved with a man who puts you down to bolster his own confidence, who feels better when you feel worse or who is overly controlling because you will end up being controlled. These men are a complete waste of time. If a man doesn’t make you feel safe, looked after and respected - forget him.

Quick Checklist

• Don’t bring “excess baggage” into a new romance. Everyone needs time to recover from a broken relationship.
• You need to think about how and why it ended, the part you played and what you might like to do differently next time. There’s a lot to think about.
• Focus on your strengths and the values that you can bring to a new relationship when you’re ready for one.
• Be fair to yourself.
• Give yourself and any future relationship a fighting chance - take a break.
• Believe that you can survive on your own and enjoy the freedom to do as you please.
• Get to know yourself better, what you like and what makes you happy.

This can really be useful information if you are honest with yourself. Having been happy on your own will give you renewed confidence when you begin dating again. You will be aware that your happiness does not begin and end with someone’s acceptance of you and whether or not you are in a relationship.. This is a very valuable tool for protecting your own feelings.

Copyright © Claire Bartholomew 2005